Insanity

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Each droplet consumes
Pin points of individual pressure
accumulating together to envelope head

Steam gradually billows into nostrils
with a comforting fragrance of soap
mixed within the humidity

Head tilted back as the only
movement worthy of risk
Muscles ache as tension penetrates
each limb fighting for balance

Eyes closed while the torrent
of hot water engulfs
all senses

Deep breath in

Deep breath out

Ever careful to avoid tempting
the bile to advance from chest
into mouth

Lights turned down low
or completely off
Creating smaller spaces within
the safety of darkness

The minutes pass unnoticed
while pressure either eases
or continues to burn
Some migraines are easier to manage
than others

Either the day continues or the
mind is lost to absolute insanity.

I am grateful for the opportunity of modern luxuries <3

Sacrificing heaven to find Him

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The memory begins within the crowd of people watching
An uneasy stillness hung heavy in the air that traveled down into the deepest depths of this World
We waited, unsure of what could, what would happen
While he stood observing his audience, his back facing the unknown
As his eyes scanned the many blank faces I wondered what he was thinking
I questioned if pride shaped his smile? Fear? Excitement?
The color of envy changing the hue of my eyes, desiring his attention and his unmistakable touch
Feeling lost like just another observer in the throng of unimportant curious expressions
Only one more mind demanding answers to the various questions tugging my awareness inside of the dark hollows
He continued to inspect us all, the artist drawing our picture to remember
Always considering those around instead of thinking of himself
With his gaze steady and unencumbered by his display of emotion, he slowly moved his head from right to left
Unknowingly demanding attention while just living in the moment
With a heavy heart I chewed my bottom lip, unable to remain stoic with the impending disaster waiting to surface
And then in just a brief blink of an eye, his met mine
As we connected our worlds through just the mere action of seeing
My last control of strength slipped beneath my fingers as I tried to grasp onto the tiny tendrils of the awareness of the others around
Those inconsequential to me, to us
His face molded into a look of concern
Breaking the dam as my tears began to fall
Unable to breathe I just stared, watching him count each watery drop that escaped
My endless hopes and wishes rising into the back of my throat
Biting my tongue to keep from screaming out
I saw him waver then, like a forced soldier going into battle unconvinced that the mission is worthy of the loss
I pleaded through the night, silently challenging him to hear my thoughts because I knew he understood
Both of our bodies unmoving while we continued our reverie
Creating our own time and space and deleting all of the information from the importance of now
But time is constantly aware, what a fickle friend
Using emotion to portray evidence of the situations to be left unexamined in the few seconds when it matters the most
He finally moved, feet shuffling back away from me
One calculated transition to separate us further but
Pulling me forward with the string that binds us together
Determination twitched at the creases of his mouth
With his mind already made up, he couldn’t turn back from the actions planned
My lips shaped words, motivated by the severity of the moment
“I love you”
Even though my lungs couldn’t produce the strength to exhibit the sound
As he took another step back, the intensity of his gaze begging me not to move
My last glance into his colorful cloud of masculinity and kindness
His whispering words of
“Goodbye”
As he dropped over the edge
His body, mind, and soul gone in only a second

Months later, I sat alone at the very spot where he last stood
Mourning the memory that haunted my every moment without him
The moon lighting the peppered pebbles scattered throughout the dirt where I reflected
“This is home, this is where we belong”
The phrase that so easily convinces the others
But the only hope I could imagine was over the ledge in a foreign place of missing phantoms
With my eyes closed, I stood, shuffling toes to hover halfway on and halfway off
My mind quiet, with no one else around to contemplate my thoughts
I remembered the shape of his face and the way my hands could sink into his skin while I softly caressed his cheeks
I remembered his comforting smell and the way he combed his fingers through my tangles of red wavy curls
I remembered his messy black hair that hung over his light brown eyes, the intensity of his stare still piercingly visible
I stood with my memories, with my eyes closed, reaching out both arms into the empty space of oblivion
I slowly inhaled a satisfyingly deep breath
Giving into the alluring pull of gravity I fell forward into the jaws of hell
Sacrificing heaven to find him.

I am grateful for stories <3

The Experience of Mistakes

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There is never a perfect moment
to imagine what could be
There are no alarms or sirens to announce each missed opportunity we seek
We grow to learn to fight each day with one hand in pocket
Squeezing knuckles into tight spaces while fingernailing the fabric
The other hand communicates the
wisdom of the world to the body;
Grasping minutes of times passed
that will only ever be the memories of feelings
But as the sun settles into his nightly retreat and
The stars begin to shine their way into the spare room in our hearts
The mind wanders in and out of the corridors of passage
Taking pleasure in stalling oblivion for just a bit longer
It is in this liminal space of awareness and slumber
To reflect on the gratitude of the experience of mistakes.

I am grateful for sleep <3

Right or Wrong

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Someone once told me that I was too sorrowful
That it changed my look, that I wasn’t pretty enough
I laughed in his face with my embodying humor and grief and said,
“Sir, if you can’t relate, then you’ve never felt anything before.”
My life as my rough draft
My appearance as the emotions found deep inside me.
I reflected
while hidden within the darkness of dusk
I sat unobserved
while longing for a connection
A silent wish for another’s soul to break my solitude of awareness
I realized in that moment
that there was never a
Right or Wrong
way to being happy
That I could inherently discover joy among the stars overhead and
the scattered rocks beneath my feet.
A reminder that even during my loneliest thoughts,
I am never really alone.

I am grateful for balance <3

Window

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‘Everything is illuminated’ within the borders of reality
This habitation of wavering echoes of light and sound that form shape and then dissolve
Looking through the barricaded Window towards this world of obscure clarity, I witness
Flashing strobes of color that blind eye and influence thought

To be on the outside of the Window is frightening, lost in the unknown
With the concealed answers of truth shadowing the possibilities
My fingers spread apart as my palms suction to the glass, oh to feel it!
The muffled vibrational energy flowing into being and recognizing life
How does one exist within the darkness only to live to pray for enlightenment?
While we wait practicing, by spending our days and nights cradling bits and pieces of the awareness like a newborn child

As an endless parade of figures, we march past the Window pane; do we all wonder what sort of power can break through the thickness?
Like caged animals we pace, back and forth parallel to the threshold, craving the next handout
The floor worn down from the many various feet who have travelled the path before but
Never questioning this unintentional battle of rationality of anticipating our wishes granted through careless promises to appease the minds

I march among the others, never seeing their faces or hearing their cries
But the emotion sticks to everyone like a humid sweat and
Our feet are soaked from the tears that we’ve cried
“I won’t go on!” I declare
A snarl breaks loose from deep inside my chest
I howl, growl, as a rabid dog looking at death;
My animalistic response to this complacency

I push and shove those vulnerable to my assault, other people blinded by uncertainty of decision
“The Window is MINE!” I roar into the hollows
The sound of voice extinguished by the intensity of denseness
If only as a reminder to the feelings of being alone

Clawing, kicking, slamming fists upon the Window glass
Motivated by the movements of self and the progression of events
My elbow cracks and the pain consumes, blood trickling down my arm to my hand
Lightning sparks and a spidervein weakness slowly appears on the Window;
Shedding a passion that I’ve never felt before, erasing all feeling of the body

I continue my beating, throwing my weight into my hands
Leaving bloody prints on the Window to announce what I have accomplished
Even as a ghost covered in my own blood, I can see my reflection in the Window
Now, forever smiling with the satisfaction of what’s to come

I am grateful for new opportunities <3

Escape

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Closing eyes while breathing in
Deep inhalations into the pit of stomach
My senses slowly retreating into
this created realm of abeyance
Blood rushing into ears to muffle all that is extraneous

This moment is blissfully endless as
My eyes roll back eclipsed from analysis
My body is an obsolete organ disconnected from cognizance;
Mind feeling featherlight and
floating above in oblivion

Much like the seagull overhead
With wings fanned out, gliding over the water’s surface
His body lifting and falling within the wind’s caresses
What a playful escape from the World

I am grateful for this new transition <3

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