Room #13

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I vanished from this plane of reality and
found myself lost and delirious
Shutting eyes, to block out the distorted shapes with their blindingly confusing colors and patterns
My head slowly tilting to the left, either from the lack of strength or from trying to keep up with line of sight
My temples pounding, disconnecting from the rigidity of skin
Stretching out wide in fleshy cones of self, as far out as both arms’ reach
Before turning inward and sucking into touch together through brain

Spinning, spiinnning, noises, voices, worried feelings; paralyzed with only one concern or thought
Breathe….breathe….Breathe….
Spinning, spiinnning, movement, shouting, anxious feelings; paralyzed with only one concern or thought
Breathe….breathe….Breathe….breathe

I’m unsure of how many minutes were passed during my mental chant
My face pressed into the carpet, body heavy; cannot move, don’t dare to think, try to breathe, Breathe! Breathe!

My last abled act of motion, using thumb to pry mouth open;
hoping that the wider inhalation of air would suffocate the demons
facing me as I lay dying
“Please, I want to live”

My heartfelt plea meant to be shouted but only resulting in the salty tears mixing in with my body’s sweat

Even through the sickness of mind and of body, I realized my formal introduction to the Angel of Death
It was now or, it would just be at some other point in time, later
Death was curious as to who I was, who I am
He came into me and stole every hidden treasure and stone, even those buried beneath the memories I don’t try as hard to forget and also the ones that I haven’t even witnessed yet
I willed myself to move, to raise up, to escape, to do anything but
My body didn’t exist, the battle of my life raged within my head
Death demanding the best of myself at my most weakest state of mind;
My thoughts twisting into mixed up words and phrases, not making sense; my body’s determination for survival, shutting down all general processing abilities
And any hope to persuade Death

Death’s first impression must have convinced of his want for another crossed-out name;
the ambulance told to pull over
Death claiming
My heart stopping
Body shutting down
Death calculating
Fever dreams enveloped my time of awareness
Carnival scenes with raging blue sirens singing out the whirling voices of songs that I’ve sung on my own

Ambulance moving, consciousness blurred between fairytales and reality
The blood pumping, flowing
Death loosening his grips
My ever stubborn heart refusing to quit
I found myself lost within a World of shadows and hooded figures dressed in black
There was no pain except the unanswered questions of impatient confusions, floating within the Universe;
a space of quiet bliss with Death as my companion and my only friend

Motion, lights, pain, color, Pain!
LOUD NOISESSSES
stomach churning from my overconfident eyes that are crossing from the force of attempting to keep them open
Suffocating smells, cloth robe
White stickers attaching me to
the wires wrapped through my hair, under my back, around my legs, clipped to my fingers, shoved into my nose, taped to my chest, stuck into my arms

The beep Beep beep Beep beep Beep
waking me up in Hospital Room #13

I am grateful for battles won (September 15, 2014) <3

*insert title*

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Sunrise, Sunset
When I closed my eyes, I wasn’t alive
I wasn’t a body, a thing
Only, just the fluttering pieces of fractal light
twinkling between the dark and the light
During sunrise and sunset

….Random statements to stimulate thought, create force of habit to ignore the bullshit and to feel silent for a moment, sometimes I want to be….

The Married Woman
To be with her was more than anything he had ever wanted
He could give her his heart but he could never have her;
in the physically, mentally, and soulfully awarded expectations that some experience
So he gave up.

Holiday
A body bounded to nothing
Perhaps, having to abandon ship
to feel the tidal pull while
swimming in the ocean
Just another perfect holiday
of sandy beaches and palm trees

Shoes
You try on girls like a new pair of shoes
Feet shoved all of the way in, stomping out all of the inconsistencies that cramp your style.

Escalator
If the mind can emulate the body’s
progressional steps up an escalator staircase
Then we know that one can
decide to not go up, but it will
take you there anyway.
Although, if you choose to walk down, it
may take you longer but at least
it was a direction of will.

I am grateful for random moments <3

Blue Sky to Black

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Another day has descended into darkness
Another scratch mark on the inner walls of my mind
The countless doodles and scribbles of hope, desire, freedom, and pain
Each and every separate feeling and emotion or,
what we choose to understand
Precious moments wasted on having to demand particular explanations
Only to convince instead of just believing

I heard you built your army
The Legions of Light to Brighten the Eyes of those willing to see
A redemption from the shadowy graves where we were born; Do you remember?
We listened to the stories until we could repeat the tales ourselves
And then one day I wondered,
are all of the battle epics just exaggerated myths and folklore?
Were we fooled by the heroes who were only imagined to conquer the monsters lurking in the newly remodeled foyer closets and bathrooms?
A domesticated existence, forged from misdirected rationalities
Each calculated step off of the beaten path weakened by the faltering slips of indecision
All of the while, hiding from the random consequences being thrown around;
blood thirsty vampires of fate trying to choose their next unsuspecting victim

I tried once, I tried twice
to call out and in that space of time,
there wasn’t an answer, no echoing response
Only the painful intensity of silence to contemplate
Am I forgotten, abandoned? Hell no.
Back straight, feet firmly planted into the earth below;
body stature molded to shape the orphaned philosophies that we tried/try to forget
to save room for future expectations;
Watching a blue sky turn to black with a heavy emptiness that blankets the air in a layer of cold sweat
Only the humble stars daring to watch the liminalistic transition
Shining gemstones displaying their fiery stubbornness, all of them
Laughing at the irony as they rise together in their places of effervescent power.

I am grateful for dark nights. <3

Soaking Senses

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clock

11/11/14

There’s always a slowing down of time when the Universe plays its hand
Vision blurs into a drunken lapse of connection
As the last seconds of every whispering thought
float in and out
From those who pass by; gnat-like noises to buzz into the mind
Their penetrating musings muffled by the compilation of instruments composing stereo emotions and feelings
In my left ear and my right ear jointly, and separately, as I
investigate the audio stimulation (versus the intruding glances that I turn my eyes against)

Chance hollers out, seemingly always unexpected, and
Awareness is interrupted by my flustered responses;
heart racing to catch up to the unpredictability of the moment,
pupils enlarge as I squint from the commitment of answering the nagging mouth of a limitless curiosity
I’ve never retained an imagination capable of ignoring even the most unwelcomed sides of all of the angles of questioning,
for too long

Now, focusing in on the details of the shape
A picture that’s ironically freeze-framed into my view
There are no “Hi, how are you?” or, “My name is…” awkward dronings
There is only the inconsistency of time when two consciousnesses collide into one
A few seconds of riding the tidal wave to shore within the ocean of reality
Soaking senses with the intensity of the change in the air
and how it feels

Everything stops and
we stare

Calling for the willpower of concentration, while maintaining gratitude for the fortune of this gift of an intangible absurdity
Meanwhile,
Memorizing the particulars to mentally store the answers to the questions not quite thought up yet
The discovery of another or, at least something like it
Until time speeds up with the blinding state of determination
Its eyes glazed over as it greedily attempts to account for its precious lost minutes

Such a finger of fate trying to erase any trace of remembrance of the two people who stepped outside of time;
confused into accepting the responsibility of understanding that we’re not alone…

…even if we become lost and forgotten after the weight of acknowledgement disappears into the normalcy of the continuation into the
seconds to minutes to hours to days to weeks to months to years

I am grateful for the good times <3

Just a post

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Happy November! I can’t believe this year is almost over, how bizarre! I moved across the US, started a new job, and started a band. It’s been hard to find time to write!

Enjoy your Saturday and if you have a bit of time, please check out some acoustic recordings that my band, getscarce, recorded this past week.

Have a great weekend :)

Blistered and Sore

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That voice
Echoing in through the
left and exiting the right
Eerily comforting
addicting
Similar ideals with multiple
personalities and emotions
One day is alright and
the people come out to play
The next, is cloudy and raining
No one is around at all
Relating on words and feelings
I see you
Even perched on this outside balcony
Making claim to a seat that
was never really here
I pause and think you
would probably like it
Or, at least relate to
the comforting darkness
Shadowing me in through the night
Claiming all burned from the sun;
blistered and sore.

I and grateful for rationality <3