Sacrificing heaven to find Him

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The memory begins within the crowd of people watching
An uneasy stillness hung heavy in the air that traveled down into the deepest depths of this World
We waited, unsure of what could, what would happen
While he stood observing his audience, his back facing the unknown
As his eyes scanned the many blank faces I wondered what he was thinking
I questioned if pride shaped his smile? Fear? Excitement?
The color of envy changing the hue of my eyes, desiring his attention and his unmistakable touch
Feeling lost like just another observer in the throng of unimportant curious expressions
Only one more mind demanding answers to the various questions tugging my awareness inside of the dark hollows
He continued to inspect us all, the artist drawing our picture to remember
Always considering those around instead of thinking of himself
With his gaze steady and unencumbered by his display of emotion, he slowly moved his head from right to left
Unknowingly demanding attention while just living in the moment
With a heavy heart I chewed my bottom lip, unable to remain stoic with the impending disaster waiting to surface
And then in just a brief blink of an eye, his met mine
As we connected our worlds through just the mere action of seeing
My last control of strength slipped beneath my fingers as I tried to grasp onto the tiny tendrils of the awareness of the others around
Those inconsequential to me, to us
His face molded into a look of concern
Breaking the dam as my tears began to fall
Unable to breathe I just stared, watching him count each watery drop that escaped
My endless hopes and wishes rising into the back of my throat
Biting my tongue to keep from screaming out
I saw him waver then, like a forced soldier going into battle unconvinced that the mission is worthy of the loss
I pleaded through the night, silently challenging him to hear my thoughts because I knew he understood
Both of our bodies unmoving while we continued our reverie
Creating our own time and space and deleting all of the information from the importance of now
But time is constantly aware, what a fickle friend
Using emotion to portray evidence of the situations to be left unexamined in the few seconds when it matters the most
He finally moved, feet shuffling back away from me
One calculated transition to separate us further but
Pulling me forward with the string that binds us together
Determination twitched at the creases of his mouth
With his mind already made up, he couldn’t turn back from the actions planned
My lips shaped words, motivated by the severity of the moment
“I love you”
Even though my lungs couldn’t produce the strength to exhibit the sound
As he took another step back, the intensity of his gaze begging me not to move
My last glance into his colorful cloud of masculinity and kindness
His whispering words of
“Goodbye”
As he dropped over the edge
His body, mind, and soul gone in only a second

Months later, I sat alone at the very spot where he last stood
Mourning the memory that haunted my every moment without him
The moon lighting the peppered pebbles scattered throughout the dirt where I reflected
“This is home, this is where we belong”
The phrase that so easily convinces the others
But the only hope I could imagine was over the ledge in a foreign place of missing phantoms
With my eyes closed, I stood, shuffling toes to hover halfway on and halfway off
My mind quiet, with no one else around to contemplate my thoughts
I remembered the shape of his face and the way my hands could sink into his skin while I softly caressed his cheeks
I remembered his comforting smell and the way he combed his fingers through my tangles of red wavy curls
I remembered his messy black hair that hung over his light brown eyes, the intensity of his stare still piercingly visible
I stood with my memories, with my eyes closed, reaching out both arms into the empty space of oblivion
I slowly inhaled a satisfyingly deep breath
Giving into the alluring pull of gravity I fell forward into the jaws of hell
Sacrificing heaven to find him.

I am grateful for stories ❤

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