Tag Archives: memories

The Spectator

Standard

burning-incense-2

You lighted the match

I inhaled you in as if you had been reborn as the lingering swirls of smoke floating from the flame-tipped incense sitting on the bedside table

While we sat consumed by the sentient darkness of substance billowing from beginning to end in and around our heads and enveloping my spirit

The room lay crowded of these jealous loners with their drifting extensions turning into little ghost dancers that veiled our space within my illuminated nebula

As I, The Spectator, perceived bursting bright sparks of color that stimulated my humanistic animation of awareness into a series of shadows and aromas

My senses continuously manipulating the meanings of (in)sanity while replacing recent musings to help highlight the desires residing beneath the hazy surfaces

You are here

We confronted the distorted facades of mercy through the minutes of time, acting as one soul together to escape the labyrinth of this universal divide

While connected, we forget to suffer but not merely as a defiant act of existence, we LIVE creating and changing nature to distort our sight and alter this godless transcendence

All of the while being overshadowed by the face of god hanging on the wall with his tick-tock ticking and buzzes of shrilling announcements of opinions chiming in

Little ditties of knowledge dictating the role to play during the hours of our daily lives, if only to help us understand that there is no escaping the fluidity of blood

Knowing that the body and the mind follow the soul through the discussions of self and continue to travel through the spaces of being to the heart

You are me

We willfully remain attached to the weight of the World however, finding solace within our effervesced embrace of arms and legs, heat and skin

Ignoring the sneering gestures of jealousies and misunderstandings, the many masks that can appear even from those who emphasize friendship and solidarity

But we claim each other through this built up intensity of psyche to provide each self with the layers of the emotional responses available to the soul and the body

Offering anything and everything to one another and creating our own power to pass out to the rest of this fickle place of one moment versus the next or, one person’s thoughts versus our own

We choose our fate by escaping it all within this shielding entwinement of essence floating from the heat of my passions to You as we burn together to flame the torch, turning this World blue one blaze at a time

I am grateful for the last 500 years ❤

Soaking Senses

Standard

clock

11/11/14

There’s always a slowing down of time when the Universe plays its hand
Vision blurs into a drunken lapse of connection
As the last seconds of every whispering thought
float in and out
From those who pass by; gnat-like noises to buzz into the mind
Their penetrating musings muffled by the compilation of instruments composing stereo emotions and feelings
In my left ear and my right ear jointly, and separately, as I
investigate the audio stimulation (versus the intruding glances that I turn my eyes against)

Chance hollers out, seemingly always unexpected, and
Awareness is interrupted by my flustered responses;
heart racing to catch up to the unpredictability of the moment,
pupils enlarge as I squint from the commitment of answering the nagging mouth of a limitless curiosity
I’ve never retained an imagination capable of ignoring even the most unwelcomed sides of all of the angles of questioning,
for too long

Now, focusing in on the details of the shape
A picture that’s ironically freeze-framed into my view
There are no “Hi, how are you?” or, “My name is…” awkward dronings
There is only the inconsistency of time when two consciousnesses collide into one
A few seconds of riding the tidal wave to shore within the ocean of reality
Soaking senses with the intensity of the change in the air
and how it feels

Everything stops and
we stare

Calling for the willpower of concentration, while maintaining gratitude for the fortune of this gift of an intangible absurdity
Meanwhile,
Memorizing the particulars to mentally store the answers to the questions not quite thought up yet
The discovery of another or, at least something like it
Until time speeds up with the blinding state of determination
Its eyes glazed over as it greedily attempts to account for its precious lost minutes

Such a finger of fate trying to erase any trace of remembrance of the two people who stepped outside of time;
confused into accepting the responsibility of understanding that we’re not alone…

…even if we become lost and forgotten after the weight of acknowledgement disappears into the normalcy of the continuation into the
seconds to minutes to hours to days to weeks to months to years

I am grateful for the good times ❤

Sacrificing heaven to find Him

Standard

IMG_5457.JPG

The memory begins within the crowd of people watching
An uneasy stillness hung heavy in the air that traveled down into the deepest depths of this World
We waited, unsure of what could, what would happen
While he stood observing his audience, his back facing the unknown
As his eyes scanned the many blank faces I wondered what he was thinking
I questioned if pride shaped his smile? Fear? Excitement?
The color of envy changing the hue of my eyes, desiring his attention and his unmistakable touch
Feeling lost like just another observer in the throng of unimportant curious expressions
Only one more mind demanding answers to the various questions tugging my awareness inside of the dark hollows
He continued to inspect us all, the artist drawing our picture to remember
Always considering those around instead of thinking of himself
With his gaze steady and unencumbered by his display of emotion, he slowly moved his head from right to left
Unknowingly demanding attention while just living in the moment
With a heavy heart I chewed my bottom lip, unable to remain stoic with the impending disaster waiting to surface
And then in just a brief blink of an eye, his met mine
As we connected our worlds through just the mere action of seeing
My last control of strength slipped beneath my fingers as I tried to grasp onto the tiny tendrils of the awareness of the others around
Those inconsequential to me, to us
His face molded into a look of concern
Breaking the dam as my tears began to fall
Unable to breathe I just stared, watching him count each watery drop that escaped
My endless hopes and wishes rising into the back of my throat
Biting my tongue to keep from screaming out
I saw him waver then, like a forced soldier going into battle unconvinced that the mission is worthy of the loss
I pleaded through the night, silently challenging him to hear my thoughts because I knew he understood
Both of our bodies unmoving while we continued our reverie
Creating our own time and space and deleting all of the information from the importance of now
But time is constantly aware, what a fickle friend
Using emotion to portray evidence of the situations to be left unexamined in the few seconds when it matters the most
He finally moved, feet shuffling back away from me
One calculated transition to separate us further but
Pulling me forward with the string that binds us together
Determination twitched at the creases of his mouth
With his mind already made up, he couldn’t turn back from the actions planned
My lips shaped words, motivated by the severity of the moment
“I love you”
Even though my lungs couldn’t produce the strength to exhibit the sound
As he took another step back, the intensity of his gaze begging me not to move
My last glance into his colorful cloud of masculinity and kindness
His whispering words of
“Goodbye”
As he dropped over the edge
His body, mind, and soul gone in only a second

Months later, I sat alone at the very spot where he last stood
Mourning the memory that haunted my every moment without him
The moon lighting the peppered pebbles scattered throughout the dirt where I reflected
“This is home, this is where we belong”
The phrase that so easily convinces the others
But the only hope I could imagine was over the ledge in a foreign place of missing phantoms
With my eyes closed, I stood, shuffling toes to hover halfway on and halfway off
My mind quiet, with no one else around to contemplate my thoughts
I remembered the shape of his face and the way my hands could sink into his skin while I softly caressed his cheeks
I remembered his comforting smell and the way he combed his fingers through my tangles of red wavy curls
I remembered his messy black hair that hung over his light brown eyes, the intensity of his stare still piercingly visible
I stood with my memories, with my eyes closed, reaching out both arms into the empty space of oblivion
I slowly inhaled a satisfyingly deep breath
Giving into the alluring pull of gravity I fell forward into the jaws of hell
Sacrificing heaven to find him.

I am grateful for stories ❤

Uninhabitable Hollows

Standard

Everyone is asleep
While I find solace in
this empty closet
Sitting on the floor
comfortable and writing
Absently twirling a wayward strand
and chewing on my bottom lip
These habitual reminders that
we never really change
(Except maybe our levels of
awareness and perception;
intuition?)
We all sometimes feel the
embarrassment from judgement
Thoughts that solidify
forming concrete structures in
our minds
Uninhabitable geometric spaces
that appear empty and dark
Some days I want to bulldoze
this whole city down
But as they say, the sun
always shines after the night
Illuminating these hollows
within our minds
Power igniting to imagine
new beginnings
Replacing each structure with
rows of flowering trees
Thoughts that I find now as my
hands dig through the soil
to plant the seeds
Preparing myself for future
times of solitude
Just like this
Where I can spend these
precious moments
Smelling the flowers and
enjoying the beauty
Instead of closing in and
retreating to the stories that
never end

I am grateful for road trips ❤

“Gas $3.89/gal”

Standard

20140709-232045-84045318.jpg

Two pages;
The realization that
the end is near
How bittersweet, the
emotional response to
my awareness
The first writing, not
too similar to my
practices of today
“4/24/12”
An entry to begin and to
witness a life of change,
Titled: “Gas $3.89/gal”

I am grateful for new beginnings ❤

I Sleep

Standard

I Sleep

The unpredictable scenario of

scattered checkered boxes of

trees, crops, houses, roads, cities

Every outline seen as a view into the life below

With the imperfect slices of bodies of water

Curvy strands branched out across

the land

Until meeting together in

lakes, ponds, rivers, sounds, oceans

Changing quickly underneath

Unnoticed, as the attention to detail is not as focused

Other senses claiming victor of the current state

of flight;

of mind

A journey in the night, wandering

above treetops, and

whatever else

is stumbling about

Companions to a lonely beast

Hungry for the instinct to keep

flying forward;

or right to left,

sky to ground,

Skimming the surface of one of the

random pools of water;

mirroring the sky,

silver from the darkness

reflecting the moon above

To get a quick drink, or a delicious

bite to eat

Maybe chance a glance at the

furry face in front of me

Slightly distorted by the motion

from the ups and downs

Feeling the touch of sustenance

sliding over nose

Cool, the wetness leaving a residual glove

until air has wiped it away

Lifting up, mouth full and

body light in contentment

the steady push of cold air gliding over

eyes, nose, mouth, ears, tongue

Sucking in the fresh air forcing

its way into lungs

A numbing embrace of throat

to help concentrate the breath

Until wings become heavily satisfied with

the path of flight

Slowly making way to cave or tree

Watching sunrise morning after each evening

then hiding from the vulnerabilities

of the day

When the rest of the world

explores the places that I’ve seen,

I sleep.

 

I am grateful for this summer, it is much needed ❤

I am a Person

Standard

Titles and labels

Insignificant one or two word liners

that create six faces of intolerance

 

“Who are you?’ they ask

when “What do you do?”

is more applicable

 

I am a Writer

I am a Woman

I am a Liberal

I am an American

I am a Christian

 

How appropriate each response

seems to fit into each individual’s ideal, those

digging for classifications so easy to understand

Can we be so conveniently defined?

 

I am ME

does that count?

 

I am Nobody

According to the other unknowns who

consider their days worthless

without the comparison to a

him or her

 

I shed these definitions like

a snake, picking up and eating the scattered

bits and pieces of debris falling off

Just a common creature

vulnerable to attack or

persuaded to defend,

if necessary

 

I am a Person

Living in a world of other people

Focusing on the similarities

of love and compassion

Instead of the boundaries

of differences to hate

 

I am Human

Who are you?

 

I am grateful for diversity ❤